Together We Think

This is hard for me. The story I am sharing with you is my story, but it involves so many others: my mom and dad, my brothers, my family, etc… The real tension that I feel as I share is the tension of wanting to be real and authentic with you while at the same time be careful to protect and honor those involved in my story. I want to share what my Heavenly Father is teaching me and yet I also realize that I must use wisdom as some things are still being worked through and there are many healing conversations that need to take place. I guess my qualifying statement to you is, I am healing, but not yet healed.

Although in so many ways my journey began over 27 years ago, in a very significant way, it has only just begun. Let me explain. It was just a year ago that I really discovered that I have been running from a broken heart for the last 27 years. The best way I can describe it is that when my parents began to struggle in their marriage and finances, my heart began to break and the day I came home to discover that my mom had moved out and left me and my older brother behind, the breaking was pretty much complete. In many ways I am only just beginning to go back and discover why these things happened, so I am not trying to judge anyone for the decisions they made, but trying to understand how the decisions that were made broke me and how I can heal from that brokenness.

Before we dive into more of the details together, what I really want to do is say thank you to a few people who have made this journey bearable and worth taking:

• First, to my Heavenly Father. I have only just begun to see and understand your presence and guiding hand through all of this journey and am so grateful for your protection and love. Our best years together are ahead for sure!
• To my wife. I told you the other day that without your love and encouragement, I probably would have already quit this and moved on. As I have been sharing the brokenness I am discovering with you, you have had the choice to discourage or encourage and your response from the beginning has been, “I am so proud of you for doing this hard work!” I am eternally grateful to you for your maturity and understanding.
• To my son and daughter. Every day, I am reminded of what kind of father I want to be to you. I want to be healthy and whole so that I know how to love and lead you in a way that allows you to grow up safe,  secure and with no doubt of the love you have in our home and your future homes.
• To Denise, my counselor. You have been sent by God to help guide me through my brokenness and the struggle of healing. Your understanding, real and gentle way have been exactly what I needed to navigate this journey. Thank you!
• To my mentors and friends. You know who you are. Your encouragement and belief in me has been a sustaining force in my life.
• To my parents and brothers. In many ways, your influence has made me who I am today. There is some healing we all must do, but there is no judgement, just a desire for us all to be whole and healthy.

OK, sorry for the love fest, but that felt really important:-)

So, let me share quickly how I realized I was running away from something. It was at a retreat with North Point where the topic being spoken about was the top 10 needs of our soul. I won’t go into them right now, but as I started reading through them and thinking about my son (my daughter was not in the picture yet)  I was brought almost to the point of tears thinking about how I wanted to provide these things for him. Things like, unconditional love, acceptance, etc…

As I was thinking about these needs, the thought crossed my mind, “I wonder which of these I received as a child?” As I started to go through them I realized that many of them were missing for me and there was a stark realization that I felt nothing in regards to those missing things. So, I am feeling things so strongly for my son and these needs of his soul and nothing for myself and these needs. It was in this moment that I realized there was some work to do. The fact that I felt nothing looking back into my pain made me realize that the pain had never been dealt with.

So, the pain of a broken piece of my heart has been buried deep inside for over 27 years and rather than engaging it and healing, I have run from it, distanced myself and stayed broken. Don’t know if you can relate to that, but deep inside, it is not a very good place to live. It is living with a low level of anxiety, worry and concern deep below the surface that ultimately will cause anyone to break down in some way or another.

That’s where we begin and it is with this context in mind that I will continue to share with you the evolution of a journey that has begun, but is far from over. As always, I would love your thoughts and ideas if you know of anyone you think would be encouraged by my journey, please feel free to forward the link to my blog on to them.

Thanks for sharing this with me and godspeed!

S.